The Angry Bucket

We're now the proud owner's of an Angry Bucket.

We've been having some issues with tantrums lately. And not just screaming tantrums but I'm-going-to-throw-these-die cast-trains-as-hard-as-I-can-until-I-break-some-of-your-shit kind of tantrums.

There is already a couple nice gouges in our wood floor thanks to a few fits-of-rage incidents.

We've been noticing Sully gets frustrated really easy. Like almost too easy. The problem is our kid turns Hulk smash green when he gets mad, has the strength to match and a solid throwing arm to boot.

What we've been doing clearly is not working. If anything, it's been getting worse.

There is this whole philosophy with young kids that teaches us to change our language into positive statements instead of negative. We don't tell them what we don't want them to do, instead we tell them what we want them to do - and provide them a safe outlet to do whatever it is that they feel they need to do, like say throwing crap when they're mad. (IE: Get off that table before you break your frickin neck VS. Please put your feet back down on the floor, what you're doing is dangerous. If you need to climb, lets go to the park.) Trust me, both have come out of my mouth, I just try to opt for the latter of the two as much as possible.

And I'm not sure why it took the light bulb in my head so long to finally go off, but the other day, while he was sitting on the time out step for the umpteenth time that day it dawned on me - 1. I've validated the feeling of frustration he has but that is different than him having the capability to understand and distinguish the difference of getting in trouble because he's mad and getting in trouble because he's throwing things because he's mad.

He throws because he's doesn't have the capability or language to express how he's feeling.

He gets sent to time out for throwing things.

He thinks he's getting sent to time out for feeling a certain way.

Yeh, totally not the message I want to be sending my kid.

And 2. Kids need outlets. Some kids hit. Some kids grab a cuddle and cry for 30 minutes. Some kids are high pitch screamers. Mine throws things. Instead of taking that coping mechanism away from him, I need to be facilitating a way he can do that without a consequence, and have the outcome be a positive experience instead of a constant negative one. What does he have to gain or lose then? Its just been further perpetuating the behavior that we can't seem to get a handle on.

Hello there 2003 teacher brain, there you are. I've missed you. Please visit more often.

And maybe I over think these or over rationalize these things, but I can't help it - its seriously just the way my brain has been trained to to think. I can't not be that teacher sometimes, just like I can't not be that parent sometimes who loses their shit on their kid even though the teacher in me knows better.

That day, the teacher in me won out. Thankfully. Because the parent in me was spent on the issue.

So I sat down with him on the steps and did the best I could to talk to him about anger and sadness - and to let him know that's what he was feeling when he throws things. That its okay to disagree and not like what his Dad and I have to say all the time, but when he feels mad, he needs to tell us so we can talk about it and help him. We decided to create an "Angry Bucket" - a bucket full of toys that are okay to throw when we get mad. Toys that won't get him into trouble should he choose to throw them (and not at people or dogs) instead of say - a chair.

And maybe its just me - but I think its really helping. Last night he started to throw some things that was getting him in trouble with Shaun - so he went into his playroom and grabbed the bucket, brought it out into the living room and started chucking stuffed animals and foam balls while yelling "I'M ANGRY" until he wasn't angry anymore.

I want him to feel comfortable talking to us about his feelings. I don't want him to be one of those teenagers who locks himself in his room, never giving us the time of day because he's pissed off. I want him to know we'll always listen to what he has to say - and whether we agree or not - they are still his feelings, they are validated - and he has every right to feel the way he does. That he'll learn with some discussion and help on both sides, we will always be able to find a happy medium. I think so often it is easy to dismiss the way a child feels, especially when they're acting out - and I want him to know its okay and normal to feel sad or mad or angry or frustrated. Just not on my wood floor.

My apologies to the toys whose fate has been resigned to the bucket. Poor Muno.