Newbie

Eek.

So I picked up Sully's preschool registration forms today to start in September. I can't believe he's already old enough to go.

I'm nervous.

He's never been with anybody but us, my folks or my sister. I don't know how he's going to react. Well, I do know how he's going to react and maybe thats why I'm nervous.

He's an only child. An only nephew. An only grandson. I feel like sometimes that can be pretty lonely. I want him to have other children his own age to play with. I know he'll eventually come around. Its been a long time since I've been in a classroom as a teacher - but I still remember every start of the school year holding hands, walking parents through the steps of letting go - countless pep talks and calming nerves and helping them to learn to be okay with their babies growing up and flying solo - even if for just a few hours in the day. And eventually, having to give those stragglers the boot out of the place.

I never understood it before, but I do now.

I'm on the other end of that.

And its just weird.

Like, really weird.

I'm not ready for what lays ahead the first couple weeks, mainly because I know far too well how kids like mine react the first time around. I got a taste of that during swim lessons or the one time my mother in law watched him.

He shuts down when he's scared.

He doesn't speak or move or look at anybody.

And it breaks my heart.

But I don't want him to be 5 or 6 and doing this the first go round when kindergarten starts because we allowed him to stay sheltered. And while I would gladly keep him safe under my wing that rest of my entire life if I had my choice, that isn't realistic - and that isn't what I want for him. This world is tough enough anymore, and one of the best tools we can equip him with is the ability to cope. The ability to adapt. Because that is what life is about.

Its a constant change and you either learn to go in the direction with the wind, or you break in the process of fighting it.

I don't want to raise a child with nothing but broken branches because I was too scared to let him be scared and figure out the things he is truly capable of. And while he isn't leaving the nest for quite a many more years - I feel like in a way he's taking those baby steps to the edge-

peering over ...

gauging ...

ruffling his feathers ...

all in preparation for the day he'll eventually take flight.

And Mama birds don't hold back.

You either fly or fall.

Its survival.

I know this will be good in the end. I know deep down this is what he really needs. I've spent countless hours picking over what I feel like are the best schools to send him to, narrowing down to two, and then one. It pays to do this for a living. It also makes it that much harder.

I just may be a basket case the next few weeks. But dear god please don't let me be that parent who is getting escorted out of the place while all the other parents watch on shaking their heads in unison whispering "Newbie."

The first day of school never gets easier. Even when you're 30. Especially for this Mama bird.

But I have no doubt my little chick will eventually fly.

All in due time.