Sully got tripped up on the stairs going too fast into the big pool - and fell in.
At first we thought he was going to get right back up because he was still on the steps. But he got scared, a little - or a lot turned around, and his head stayed under.
Shaun was above him sitting in the chair off to the side. I was within 3 or 4 strokes of him.
I remember Shaun yelling "Somebody get him up!" once we realized he wasn't getting up.
Those seemed like the longest 4 strokes of my life - I swear to god.
All I could hear was the sound of him taking in water and see the panic in his eyes. That look kept me up most of the night. Once I finally came to bed, I just laid there, watching him for awhile. I - finally fell asleep at 2 am, and remember having a nightmare that involved water which woke me up at 3:30 am. I don't really want to see that look on his face ever again.
Anybody who knows me knows drowning is my worst, all time fear.
It wasn't even like the whole incident was that big of a deal really. But sometimes, for whatever reason, these smaller moments seem to have far more profound effects on me than some of the bigger milestones do. Maybe because they always seem to catch me when my guard is down.
He's completely fine. He coughed up some water and gave a round of high fives for his epic dive. We judges gave him a 9, mainly for his commitment to keeping his car above water while he was face under. The German judge gave him a 6, partly in due to the poor dismount. All I could think of was the time I got bucked off one of my Papa's horses, landing ass down onto the hard dirt arena and my grandmother freaking out and yelling at him, and him yelling at me to punch the horse in the nose and get back on it.
I got back on it. I did not however punch the horse.
I thought there would be some tears - and to my surprise, well, they never came.
This child is most certainly mine.
And as stubborn and defiant as he is -
and as much crap Shaun gives me for that attribute being my contribution the the gene pool party, I'll happily stake my claim into it.
Because its times like these when it pays off.
When you defiantly brush away that fear, stare it down, and conquer it -
because you're too damn stubborn to know how do it any other way.
I'm not a panicky kind of parent, but I'm still not sure if the tears that welled up in my eyes were because of how scared I was in those few seconds that seemed like minutes (Again, Drowning. Worst Fear. Right Here.) - the few moments after of feeling like a shitty parent for not being there to catch him when it happened or because I was so dang proud of the way he reacted to the whole situation.
Probably all of the above.
When I hugged him for the 100th time he finally said "Mama, I okay." in a tone that I put along the lines of a teenager saying "Mom, okay stop, you're embarrassing me."
In these moments, when my guard is down and I least expect it
- just like that -
my little baby is becoming a little man.
If I blinked it's quite possible I could miss it. These moments of growing up are there always now, seeming to lye in wait - just beyond the morning cuddles and scraped knees that are in need of kisses. Not even a potential drowning can stave them off these days. I remember Shaun locking eyes with me saying "He's okay, its okay." And even though I know he was talking in context to what had just happened, I felt like a part of it was speaking in volumes to a much bigger picture of how I've been feeling lately- it's okay, it happens - little babies grow up into little men.
He's got this.
He'll be fine Mama.
So just like that, I let him go, but not before squeezing him a 101th time and asking a reassuring "You sure?" to which he replied "YES Mama." Okay, okay - I get it.
And then I watched as my baby punched that water pony square in the nose, saddled right back up onto it and played off until the sun set.
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