Wyatt Greeno ...

I keep asking myself why. I know we all are asking ourselves that question, over and over. I had such high hopes that this would turn out so differently. If anybody ever deserved for a happier ending, it was them.

It was always them.

And even though I know there will never be an answer, I can't help but to continue to throw that question out there into the universe, as it echoes somewhere in the distance and fades away to where all unanswered questions must go.

Wyatt accomplished more in his 6 months here on earth, than most of us can hope to accomplish in an entire lifetime. One that most of us will live as if we are owed it. One that most of us will take for granted. One that most of us will spend more focused on ourselves, than the plight of others. And whether we're given 6 months or sixty years, I can't help but think its not in the years, its not in some magical number we're all trying to obtain - its about what we choose to do with it, how we decide to love with it. Because numbers are just numbers. A lifetime, a life, is what we do with what we're given in the time in between.

Even for the smallest of hearts.

The night Wyatt passed away, Sully and I made a vow. We're carrying you, dear Wyatt, with us in everything we do, in every place we go, in everything we will see. You'll will be with us in every new word learned, in every mud pie we make, in every little league game we play and night time bed story we read. You'll be in every block tower we build, with us on the first day of school, and in every new country our feet finds us on. Because the truth is, Wyatt, you could have been any one of our children with the flip of a coin.

He could have been your child.

He could have been my son.

CHD's aren't picky.

They don't play favorites.

...but for the flip of a coin.

Taking you with us, is the very least we can do.

And we do it smiling.

Because anger offers no answers.

If everyone you touched, takes a small piece of you with them, well the possibilities of what you will see, what you can achieve are truly, absolutely, endless.

This is what brings hope,

Its what brings comfort.

You live on, in so many ways.

And so we carry Wyatt, to continue to help him achieve what he so bravely battled against, to continue to change lives the way he changed ours. You Wyatt, are the most amazing child we know. You are a true Super Hero. And while nobody will ever love you or miss you as much as your mommy and daddy, the world is a little less brighter without you.

Wyatt, I love you and your mommy so very dearly. All words fall short. They fall so extremely short. They all seem to go to that place, the one where the unanswered questions go ...

They linger.

They sting.

None of what I want to say to your mommy seems adequate enough. So I'll say this - your journey has taught our family to talk a little more softly, hug a little more tightly, and love a little bit stronger. To care for something greater than ourselves. Our lives have been changed for the better and impacted forever by you little man.

Our hearts will be in Minnesota on Saturday.

I hope yours will be too.

MIA

To say the past month or so has been a whirlwind would be to say the least, an understatement. Just now are we starting to find some ground to firmly plant our feet into.

On December 22nd we officially became homeowners! The entire process happened so fast and with the exception of waiting for paperwork, was an effortless and painless process on our end. We had big plans to get the yard, painting and bathrooms updated, but certain events didn't quite allow things to go that way. The next thing I knew we were moved in after one extremely long Thursday. Our friend Thomas was amazing, as well as my sister, her boyfriend and my dad and mom (she watched Sully). We couldn't have done it without them.

And just like that, we became Moorpark residents. And I'm stoked. I've worked in old town Moorpark for almost 6 years, and this place, this community has a place in my heart. I'm beyond excited that Shaun has grown to see this town the same way I do, and we feel so fortunate to live here now.

Around the same time that we closed on the house, we found out Shaun's step-brother was admitted to the hospital for what we thought at the time was a simple case of pneumonia. I mean, how bad could it be; Matt is my age and a smart healthy guy. To make a very long, complicated story short, he went into heart failure and wasn't expected to make it through Christmas. He's still with us, but last Friday suffered a stroke where he sustained damage to his brain. We're hopeful, but its been a roller coaster ride. We were ready to hop on a plane at Christmastime, but we're still here, he's still hanging on, so all we can do is focus on the positive and hope.

They say when it rains it pours, and I guess its true. I had hope that Christmas would be spent delivering the news that our family was growing, but as quickly as it was here, it was gone. At 6 weeks in I had a miscarriage 3 days before Christmas, ironically at the same time we were closing on our house. I've been processing, taking stock; but for the most part, I'm okay. We're okay. Its with great honesty that I can say that. I have an amazing, supportive husband and I know when the time is right everything will fall into place. The way it should. When it should.

Shaun has been working overtime like its going out of style, and its getting harder to explain to a toddler why Daddy is always at work when he's asking for him. But its crunch time for them, and we knew this would happen. Its been frustrating for both of us to say the least, since I'm also up against the wall at work with quarterly reports and pending workshops next month. I've also started planning my dear friend Nikki's baby shower that I'm hosting, which will be shortly followed by Sully's 2nd birthday. Can you believe it?!

He has the most amazing memory I've ever seen when it comes to music for somebody his age, seriously. He'll sing songs I didn't even know he knew or was paying attention to. He can count to eleven on his own and get through his ABC's. He calls his toes "piggies" which makes me smile ear to ear every time. Like when he kicks the table and says "Owie! Mama kiss piggies!" He goes down the big kid slides at the park and has become quite the bossypants these days. Last night he wouldn't sleep so we let him stay up. He's been having a little bit of a time adjusting to being in the new house, especially at night time, so we let him stay up with us. Out of nowhere he came over and gave me the biggest kiss then went back to playing with his cars without a word. He's been attached to my hip lately, quite the Mama's boy these days. And while it adds about an extra half hour at minimum on practically everything I try to get done, I wouldn't trade it. Especially when the ladies in Trader Joes keep stopping me to say how adorable he is because he's talking into a banana like a phone and laughing hysterically and I smile because I'm responsible for his giant dorky ass.

Anyways both parties will be here, at our new house, so I've gone into high gear getting the backyard and downstairs as put together as it possible can be with everything going on. Today Sully and I made a trip to Lowe's. I'm pretty sure everyone was looking at the crazy lady who had her kid perched atop manure mountain while pushing a cart full of bark and plants trying to carry a shovel at the same time. All while Sully kept screaming "TRUCK" because he saw a front loader.

Yeh, we patted ourselves on the back for getting out in one piece and treated ourselves to a Starbucks. Only they made Sully's frozen milk a grande and my ice coffee a tall. Fuck it, I gave it to him anyways.

Life is short.

In between we've been busy breaking in our new stomping grounds here in Moorpark, adjusting to new routines for all of us and dealing with a anxious dog. We've been baking and getting dirty, ridding ourselves of boxes and planning home projects as soon as some time allows. Oh and getting speeding tickets. Man, I swear.

This past month as been draining on every level, from the physical to the emotional. There has been a lot of tears shed, short tempers and sadness but there has also been a lot of laughs and love and more laughs. We're doing it - we're getting through - we're finding ground.

And it feels good.

(These are reverse order in their timeline, I'm just too lazy to change them)

Everytime he would get the cup full, he would lean over and it would spill all back out. I had to stifle the laughter. He did this process for about 10 minutes. What you can't see is the lake on my kitchen floor.

Water play.

Meeting his cousins Randi and Jessie for the first time, that I happen to adore. So happy they decided to spend the day with Sam and I while down in So Cal visiting. We love and miss them very much!

Going down the big boy slide.

This is the position I normally see him in. Him. Running. Away.

From me usually.

I adore him, I truly do.

You usually have to pay extra to get the gardener to come pantless.

I'll spare you from the onslaught of pictures of him opening the million cars he got.

Happy Tolidays. If you look closely, the H on my sign broke.

It made for a good laugh.

I always ask him what he's drawing and this was the first time he had an answer

"Car"

Enjoying some styrofoam and ice cream

Sully and Cash (Aunt Sam's new puppy)

I wish the table was square.

I wish a magical moving fairy would come to my rescue.
I wish I didn't feel like I'm in packing hell.
I wish I could find a hue of blue that didn't look like
a robin threw up all over my walls.
I wish my baby didn't have to go to preschool so soon.
I wish I dealt with stress better.
I wish work wasn't so hectic right now.
I wish I didn't have to be at work right now, period.
I wish my husband wasn't working so much all the time
either.
I wish the table was square.
I wish my dog didn't cost me an arm and a leg during the
holidays.
I wish my margarita maker was plugged in. I could really
use a drink right now.
I wish this 5-day-migraine-a-thon would go away.
I wish things were different.
I wish I could sleep soundly.
I wish there was less crying on Christmas and more
laughter.
Next year.
I wish I had got my normal coffee this morning.
I wish my baby boy felt better.
I wish Matthew wasn't dying.
I wish we had answers.
I wish he would just get better.
I'll keep wishing until we have a reason not to.
I wish I understood why.

Better late than never ...

A little sneak to what will be on their way soon. Better late than never right?!

We Heart You Holiday Card

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Smiling

Its nights like these, when I slip my hand under his pillow only to have it met by the cold metal of 3 matchbox cars that he has shoved under it before bed, that I have to smile.

And pinch myself.

Because those hidden treasures of a small boy who loves everything cars and trucks and trains and dirt and wrestling - are everything that I wanted that comes with a boy.

Little girls are great, I imagine - but there is just something undeniably magical about little boys. That glint of trouble that always lays right behind their eyes somewhere between frogs in their pockets and skinned knees with hands full of mud.

And today, when my habitual line stepper leaped in the air off the planters that he was asked to get down from for the 30th time in a row, I cringed a little as his ungraceful exit left his face kissing grass, where I asked him "Did you learn anything?!" ... to which my 19 month old son stood up, with cars still in hand, spit out grass and then yelled back -

"NO!", and did it again.

And I smiled.

And when I sneezed today and he turned his head my way and said "Bless Ju", ( I didn't even know he knew Bless You),

I smiled.

(Okay so thats not really trouble-maker material but it was too freakin' cute to not share.)

And when he screamed "HELP" like he was being murdered and I ran to see what predicament he was in this time, only to find him trying to scale the counter for a bag of cookies, I smiled.

And when I wiped the mud off his face before letting him eat the cookie, because he had been wrestling with three dogs in the dirt and had a hair full of leaves ...

Yeh, I smiled then too.

I don't know why I wanted a boy, or how I knew he was a boy before he was even a boy - mostly luck probably; but he's everything thats messy and mischievous, rambunctious and rowdy, hyper and hysterical - that I imagined, and hoped he would be.

And that, well ...

It makes me smile.

Tis the season for ...

A PAJAMA DRIVE!

Every year my family gets together to brainstorm for our annual holiday adoption. Normally we adopt families and supply them with everything they need for a Christmas dinner, but last year we changed it up with a crazy Christmas toy drive. Children in the community of Moorpark/Simi Valley were the receipents. We gifted our donations to First 5, the non-profit organization where I work, and were able to provide over 50 gifts to children in need in the community.

This year we're keeping it different and fun for us, and have decided to do a pajama drive. Our goal is to put together as many gifts baskets that will include a new set of pajamas, a new blanket and book - for as many babies, toddlers and kids as we possibly can. The jury is still out who we will gift the donations to, but there are talks about First 5 again (there are a lot of families in need this year) or the Ventura Co. Homeless Shelter.

We've had amazing friends in the past who have helped contribute to these drives. Due to the high volume of families in need, we would love any help our friends and family would like to offer. Here is what we will be gathering:

* New girl/boy/unisex pajamas for infants to children 10 years of age.
* New fleece throws (The little cheap ones!)
* Unused/new homemade fleece-tie blankets
* New children's books
* Help with gift wrapping

Even JUST ONE pair of new pajamas or new blanket makes a huge difference to these children. So far we have 15 complete gift sets. We plan on dropping off the Pajama gift sets by December 20th.

If you want to participate, we would love it! Email/text or message me on Facebook if you'd like to join the cause.

Happy Holidays ya all!
The Curtis Clan & Otwell/Stevens Family