Jax 1st Birthday

Every year on the night before the boy's birthdays, I write them a letter. It started for each of them on the night before their births. I save them all to give to them one day.

My dear sweet Jack Wilingham,

My Jack-Jack.

My Jaxie.

My Jackaroo.

You were the one I thought would never be.

I had resigned myself to it.

And yet here you are.

So full of life, that sometimes –

It seems so much bigger than what your little body can hold.

Can contain.

It’s like you came out knowing you were our lives

Greatest Surprise.

It leaves me speechless.

Breathless.

In awe.

You’re magnetic.

It pours out of you.

Through your eyes.

They radiate like blue sunbursts.

Through your smile.

It makes people forget the toughest of days.

You posses the art of drawing people in.

It’s magical my love.

Your brother has taught me compassion.

To speak gently. With great thought.

To live with empathy. With kindness. With intent.

To learn to be still. To be at peace.

To love without limits.

Without conditions.

If he is my heart, than you my love -

You are my soul.

You’ve shown me the beauty in reckless abandon.

In leaping first and thinking later.

Approaching life with great wonder.

With great patience.

With deep rooted happiness.

With excitement for the unknown.

Letting go of what we have no control over.

You’ve taught me how to be present.

To live in the now.

You never think before you do. You just do.

That use to terrify me.

But I realize now what a blessing living that way can be.

I love that about you.

I envy that about you.

It can be loud.

It can be messy.

It’s not always pretty.

You exhaust boundaries.

You push limits.

It’s intense. You’re intense.

You live big my love. You love big.

In everything you do.

But I never want you to lose that.

You’re going to achieve wonderful things because of it.

I fell in love all over again the day you were born.

And every day since.

Happy 1^st Birthday Jax.

I love you.

Thanks for being our bookend.

We needed it. More than you will ever know.
Xoxo
-Mom

At one you are ….

Saying Mama, Dada, Brother, Nene, Pop-pop, Yaya, dog, up, no-no, love you, bye-bye.

You sign “More”, “Hungry/Eat”, “All done”

You eat everything and some of your favorites are cheerios, chicken, eggs, bananas, cheese.

You’ll attack someone for ice cream.

You prefer to drink out of a cup.

You’re starting to walk.

Your favorite activities are ramming your baby walker into everything including your brother, stealing his hockey guys, eating the dog food, climbing up the stairs when nobody is looking, jumping on the couch, standing on chairs to get to things we’ve obviously mistakenly put up high, unplugging things, biting the dog, talking on the phone, pretending to read books, drawing on your face with markers, singing with your daddy, playing in water not limiting yourself to the toilet or dog bowl, playing peek-a-boo, playing hockey, watching hockey, waving bye-bye, and wrestling your brother.

Everything goes into your mouth. Everything.

You dislike the dark, being told no, being confined, avocadoes, pacifiers, baby gates, your crib, socks, swings, things that are sour, anything on your head, being put down and diapers.

You still have no hair.

You do have 6 teeth though.

You wear size 18-24 months clothing.

You adore your brother and love your little cousin.

You’re pretty awesome. I think you’re secretly a superhero. 

11 months

One of those nights I'm having a hard time convincing myself to put you down.

And do things.

Things I should be doing, but I'm not.

I can't believe you'll be a year soon.

Too soon.

I'm not sure where it's gone.

Somewhere I imagine.

I'm sorry I don't write more.

I'm simply too busy loving on you boys.

I love you Jax.

More than words on paper.

Five things they don't tell you in all the baby books

A little background. My sister had a baby today. My first niece. Its kind of a big deal. =) There are seven years that separate my sister and I. I married young, when she was just 14 years old. I didn't have children until later in my marriage, my sister got pregnant early on in hers. As the universe would have it, our babies are 10 months a part. Well my younger baby anyways. Between a span of 5 years, we now have 3 children. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought we would be raising our babies, together. The kids I thought that would be mine and teenagers when my sister's came along, will now run in the same friendship circles, start school at the same time and reach lifelong milestones, together. Their memories will be of each other, growing up side by side. I'm extremely proud of everything my sister accomplished today. Bringing a new life into this world is no small feat. It reminded me of 10 short months ago, sitting in the same hospital one room over from my sister's, holding my second son. It seems forever ago and yesterday all at once. Time is funny that way ... 

In short, Sissy, welcome to the parent club. I can't wait to take all the little heathens camping. This ones for you.

Welcome to the lifelong art of winging it .... 

You're going to get home a little shell shocked that the hospital just handed you a baby, your baby, and didn't require you to take a test or show identification or at least make sure you can recite the ABC nursery rhyme before sending you packing. You'll place her down gently for the first time in her nursery you spent months agonizing over, and as you huddle around her bassinet staring down at the wonder that is now her, you realize, I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing. Don't panic. Neither do any of the rest of us. As a parent you become an aficionado in the lifelong art of winging it. I can't count the amount of times Shaun has looked at me and said "What do we do, WHAT DO WE DO, this is your area!" to which I've replied "I've got nothing man. I've got nothing! Google it!" It's a scary place to come to the realization; I. Know. Nothing. But it's also a beautiful place. You will learn more about yourself, your relationships with others and what you are truly capable of, more than you ever thought possible, in this place. Allow yourself room to grow, to bend, to learn and expand. You’ll learn to think out of the box, go with the flow and improvise. And laugh. Laugh a lot. It will save your sanity.

Opinions are like assholes ... 

Everyone has one, especially when it comes to babies. From that sweet old lady in the check-out line to young kids, everyone will have something to say about what you’re doing, and 99% of the time it will be because you’re not doing it their way. Do yourself a favor and save yourself a lot of grief by following these 3 simple steps; 1. Smile 2. Nod 3. Say thank you. People love to … “help” … and for the most part its harmless. People are going to give you their opinions, good or bad, A LOT. You can't sweat it. Ever. Just, don’t even worry about a response. Honestly, it’s not worth it unless you feel like debating with a 5 year old for 10 minutes why you aren’t changing his brother’s diaper the right way. Take what you want and leave what you don't at the wayside. Ultimately you're going to find what works best for your family and do what you want anyways, but they don't need to know that. Just smile, and nod and plan your grocery list in your head while they talk. Multitasking!

Speaking of opinions, let her eat the skittles ... 

For god sakes, just let them eat the skittles every now and then. As a parent you're going to see the world in a completely different way. Everything becomes a hazard, potential danger, threat ... EVERYTHING. And I can think of about a million worse things (war, pedophiles, choking hazards, drugs, running with scissors, threatening dogs, car accidents, the opposite sex, illness, underage drinking, Miley Cyrus) then letting them eat what they want from time to time. I'm here to help them make good choices, not police them. Remember, a little red dye from time to time never killed anybody and what others (coughgrandparentscough) choose to give them isn't a reflection of you as a parent. Grandma use to keep candy stocked in her trunk. You would have been sad if mom and dad would have denied you trunk candy. Everyone needs a little trunk candy in their life. Let her have some trunk candy every now and then.

You're going to learn more by being wrong ... 

Than you ever will in the times you are right. Becoming a parent was and is the most humbling experience I have ever encountered in my life. You will never so quickly pick a part your own flaws and question every part of your being as you will now. You'll re-examine who you are through the eyes of this new little person and sometimes it will be depressing, make you want to cry and eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's. It will be easy at times to beat yourself up over things, to realize after the fact there were a thousand different ways you could have handled a situation. But as Elsa and Anna would say, let it go, let it go! This entire thing is one big giant learning curve. Be okay with admitting your wrongs when they happen. I've had my fair share of sit downs with my tail between my legs when I apologized for the way I said or reacted to the way the kiddos did or said something. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s how we deal with the aftermath that develops and strengthens our characters. Be okay with letting them see that. Even when they're reminding you for the millionth time "about that one time when you yelled at me but I didn't do it and you made me cry and were kind of mean and then you said sorry and I said it was okay because I'm nice, right mom? Do you remember that mom? When you were mean? And I cried? Do you remember mom and you yelled, loud. Really loud, remember mom?" Humble pie man.

This is the hardest job you will ever have ... 

But by no means is it a sacrifice. A sacrifice implies that you gave up something better in the place of parenthood. And while we give up a lot (sleep, traveling with only a carry-on, movies without cartoon characters, eating meals that last longer than 5 minutes, going to the bathroom by ourselves, uninterrupted phone conversations, our youth, our sanity ...) there isn't anything I can think of that could possibly have ever been any better than these boys in my messy house that hang out in the bathroom reading books and singing songs while I shower and that take over my bed every night. They’ve taken over my life, in the very, absolute best way possible. Theres going to be beautiful highs and extreme lows, sometimes all within a 10 minute span of one another. There will be moments you feel as though you can't breathe from the stress or frustration or lack of sleep of it all and times you feel as though you can’t breathe from the awe and wonder and love in it all. You will simultaneously beg time to speed up and slow down. You'll be the first one up and the last to sleep. You'll also always be the last one to eat so just get use to it now. Nothing will ever be sacred on your plate again. There will be times when all you want to be is alone and times you will feel nothing but alone. It’s not always kittens and rainbows and mom’s smiling on the cover of those parenting magazines. It’s more like kittens shitting out rainbows all over themselves and onto that clean sheet you just changed for the 10^th time and that clean shirt you just put on. But its also fun, and comical and endearing. Its first words and steps and belly laughs. Its fort building, sand in their toes and watching them see the ocean for the first time. Its silly jokes, broken furniture, messy houses and chocolate milk mustaches. Its first goals, planting sunflowers and watching them make friendships, turn into little independent people and grow. It's boo-boo kisses, dates at the zoo and the smell of a baby sleeping on your chest that smells of sunscreen after a day in the pool. Its singing first songs, first Christmases, first crushes and knowing that it won't last forever. It's a hard job, in so many ways. As parents we learn to constantly toe that fine line of parenting within and without of the boundaries, we teach and learn, lead by example and sometimes by not-such-good-examples. (Remember when S. went through his shit and damnit phase?!) We love and love while learning to let go, a little bit at a time. The best compliment I ever received from S. was him telling me I was the silliest and funniest mom he knew. Don't ever take this job so seriously that you forget to have fun. Its the best part about it. And they're pretty good about not letting us forget it.

Remember, parenthood is truly a journey. Sometimes you land right where you expect when you expect to. Other times, not so much. Be okay with going off the beaten path at times, detouring when it calls for it. The ride can seem long at times. The road will look uncertain in places. There will be stretches you're unable to see what lays ahead. But this ride, it's a beautiful one. Don't become so consumed with reaching the destination that you forget to look out the windows from time to time. It's a breathtaking view. I promise.

Enjoy where it leads you all. Always.

Jax 6 months

4 am & I'm holding a sleeping Jax on me looking around my living room at the Lego building by the stairs, baby toys littered on the play mat & cars shoved in every corner possible. I have superhero figures on my nightstand and hotwheels on my kitchen floor. Im never able to find a pen in my purse but I can hand you a fistful of crackers, a bandaid or a hockey guy.  

Time. It seems like something I can never find anymore. And while lamenting over this, I glance at my phone and realize its the 18th, and this sleeping monkey on my chest is 6 months old today.

6 months. Jesus how did that happen so quick? So here you go Jax ... At 4 am, here are my favorite things about you so far ...

You're a little spitfire.

You have chubby little legs that I eat, a lot.

You adore your brother. He's your favorite person on this planet & can always make you laugh. Remember that in 15 years when you're trying to beat each other senseless.

You want to walk. So badly it results in tantrums & tears that your little legs will not let you go and keep up with your brother. 

You hate to be put down. My back thanks you for this.

You have the most beautiful sapphire blue eyes I've ever seen.

You've been rolling over for months now and are sitting up mostly unassisted.

You don't like peas.

You love to eat, all the time. And you best feed you within 10 seconds of your initial warning or things get ugly. Real ugly, real fast.

You spit out and throw to the ground any paci that isn't your favorite one. Did I mention you're kind of a little shit? :)

You figured out how to tilt your baby bouncers over, so we can't use them anymore. Thanks dude.

Everything goes into your mouth.

You still don't sleep through the night, but we'll get there.

You get so excited watching your brother and the big boys skate. You start grunting a d flapping your arms like a mad man squealing.

You've slept through a Kings game just like your brother at 5 months. You also ended up on the Jumbo-tron "dancing". You were famous that night!

You have an abnormally strong Kung-fu grip. You like to pull your brothers hair & laugh when he screams. It makes me secretly laugh too.

You still don't have hair. You do have a perfectly round head though.

Your fascinated with facial hair. You're especially fond of your Papas beard.

You sing.

You hate the dark. And the car. Driving you in the car when it's dark? Forget about it.

You take what we've dubbed "Jack Naps". You take 20 minute naps. TWENTY minute naps! For the love of all things, would you sleep child?

You love water. And dogs. And lights. And books. And being sung to. And your daddy when he comes home.

You have the biggest smile with the cutest dimples. Everyone always comments on your dimples and eyes.

You're a happy baby. Unlike your brother at this age, you love anybody that will look in your direction. Sully would have nothing to do with strangers. Everyone is your best friend. 

You wear 9 month clothing. 

You've figured out how to take your diaper off.

You're grumpy when you wake up.

You resemble your daddy, a lot.

Your brother calls you Jack-Jack bc you resemble and act like the baby in The Incredibles movie.

You have finger dimples, which I adore.

You are an extremely affectionate, cuddly baby.

You like boobs. Any boobs.

It's hard to believe 6 months has gone by this fast. I'm sorry I don't write enough, or take pictures enough it feels like, but this life is a much different one from 5 years ago. I'm doing my best to keep up with how unfairly fast it's going by. 

I'm completely loving my life. And you boys who have taken it completely over. There's not a whole lot of breathing room these days, but I know it will get better. The thought of more time in the day actually makes me a little sad. I know you two won't need us this much forever. So I'm trying to take it all in while it's here, now.

Happy 6 months Jaxie. I love you big, little dude!

Day 83

My little hockey player

Counting sheep

I can count on one hand the number of times I've slept in my own bed the past 3 months. 

It's mainly me, baby and the couch. 

It's just easier. Especially during the week when Brother Bear attends preschool and Daddy Bear commutes an hour to work each way. I can't see the point in waking either of them with a screaming baby while I'm home for now.

So the couch it is for Baby Bear and I. 

Last night was one of the few, blissful nights I got to sleep in my own bed. 

Until the baby started crying 2 minutes after going down into his crib (which currently resides in our room.)

Take two, baby back down. Blissful sleep, bed that is not couch. 

Until Brother Bear showed up schlepping his entire bedding & pillows into the middle of our bed. (Did I mention he's a violent sleeper? We've woken with fat lips sleeping with this kid.)

Take three. Baby down, brother bedded inbetween us, blissful sleep, blah blah blah.

Until my husband starts snoring. And the dog following suit shortly thereafter.

And I laughed. 

And looked around in the dark at my entire world.

All in one place.

My baby making whatever sounds you call that half kitten half sighing sound from his crib. My bigger baby curled up against my back with his feet crossed over my legs. My husband zonked out on his side. Hell, even the dog. 

How are all these boys mine? Seriously.

And I felt very blessed. And lucky. And like there was no other place I could ever imagine being. 

Except for the couch. 

Where I ended up 3 hours later. 

:)