Sully the photographer

Sully has been really interested in cameras lately, which we love! Anybody who knows Shaun and I know that we love to dabble in photography when we have the time. Sully's Nana also has quite the photographic hobby. Shaun gave Sully a real old digital camera we never used, which he loves to take pictures with, since the toy/baby camera isn't cutting it these days.

Well I guess the digital camera isn't cutting it either, because his attention has now turned to the Nikon D60 I always use.

I guess he just has good taste.

He took all the pictures.

Okay, so I took the last 3.

I just have a natural flair for mocking my child.

I was fortunate enough to be asked to assist with this shoot, and I have to say, I think my work was s-o-l-i-d. He can be difficult to work with at times, mainly because his instructions sound like an angry Frenchman screaming at you. Theres a lot of pointing and shouting, but at the end of the day I think the integrity of his work speaks for itself.

Heres my little photography genius in self-portrait action.

Sugar, spice and lies.

(This ones for my Mama, with photographic proof that yes, I do cook, and not just from the frozen section of Trader Joes.)

I've yet to read the book Deceptively Delicious that I own, but it hasn't stopped me from sneaking around the kitchen, in a covert operation to sneak vegetables into Sully's foods.

He's always been a wonderful eater, especially fruits. I can't keep enough fruits in the house for this child. We frequent the store/farmers market 2-3 times a week just for the sole purpose of restocking fruits.

Pears,

apples,

bananas,

strawberries,

blueberries,

tangerines and

grapes are among the top favorites, but he also eats pineapple, peaches, plums, nectarines and oranges.

Vegetables on the other hand, well, thats tricky. He'll eat frozen peas, corn and raw Japanese cucumber only under the condition it comes from the nice little old Japanese lady at the farmers market on a toothpick.

I've tried putting them on toothpicks - but I can't become little, old or Japanese so to the farmers market we go. So, I've been left with no other choice than to take action and bake all of the stuff he spits out along with my lies into tasty treats.

Exhibit #1: Zucchini, banana walnut bread!

Yes mom, from scratch. This little loaf packs a punch with two whole bananas, a whole zucchini and crushed walnuts baked in. He loved it, and so did daddy, so much so that there was barely any left for breakfast the next morning! So you can bet this has made it onto our weekly rotation.

Exhibit #2: Homemade pizzas! (Which Sully loved making)

The pizza sauce was made from scratch using 5 yellow heirloom tomatoes, 10 plum heirloom tomatoes, 2 whole zucchinis grated, 1 whole yellow squash grated, and a cup of chopped spinach. We topped it with mozzarella, chopped basil, rosemary and cashews. (Plain cheese on Sully's) The dough came from Trader Joes.

And thanks to Sully's Papa, he's acquired quite the taste for chocolate pudding. So we've taken to making the homemade kind at home, since it contains less preservatives, I can add his whole milk into it and we can add extra fruits we have on hand inside. Plus, it keeps him entertained with all the mixing and stirring.

Exhibit #3: Discovering the age ole' mixing spoon.

P.S. Mom, I know why you always kept wooden spoon in the house. Plastic feels so cheap. I've ditched them all in favor of our brand new maple wooden spoons which I'm in love with!

I may actually pull off this whole cooking thing yet.

Snow day

So this is what snow looks like for us Southern/Central Californians.

That's right, we get our snow shipped in.

While what seemed like was the rest of the United States being multiple feet under snow, Sully and I rose bright and early to meet my co-worker Sandi in what has become Sandi's and I annual "Building the Snow" for our centers annual Snow Day.

The snow and truck are donated each year for the children at our center, and we strap on our boots and gloves to build ramps, slides and exploration areas for the children to enjoy all day. (For everyone who thinks we're crazy, most kids in So Cal have never seen snow, and a good majority never will during their childhood! Crazy right?)

For the past 4 years Sandi and I have met the truck in the wee hours of the morning, and "work" at getting the mound just right. Basically its just us playing, sliding and throwing snow with a little shoveling in between.

This year I brought a very special helper, who just happens to

l-o-v-e

everything

giant

trucks.

It was a battle to get us out of the door that early. The first 3 pictures are a testament to my child being his father's son - they are NOT morning people.

No way.

No how.

- Cue in picture tormenting -

However once the truck arrived he perked up, I mean WAY up. He was in awe to see a "twuck" that close, and to get to witness it in dumping action, well, I thought his head was going to explode.

No, seriously.

This took place two Fridays ago, and he's still talking about it.

It made the whole dressing him while he was still half asleep and throwing a bag of cheerios at him in the car not seem so bad.

Mama, noom.

Today was an amazing day.
I'm not sure why.
The day itself was nothing exceptional.
There were pancakes,
and race car tracks in chalk on our patio outside.
Blocks and books.
There were nap time meltdowns,
Errands to be ran,
And office work to be done.
But there was lots of laughs,
And being goofy together.
Tons of high fives,
Singing "Woggles" in the car -
And listening to him try to sing about
his ass in the sand and beers.
Cue stifled laughter here.
Because when he sings,
He is serious about his
performance.

Its days like today,
when I'm able to let go of
the laundry,
look past the
dirty dishes,
put off some
work calls,
and step over
the heaps of toys
and rain boots
and mashed up cheerios -
And sit in the sun as it
shines down on our chalk
village and fish crackers
and just be.

Just be with him.
Enjoying him.
Listening,
laughing,
and loving him.
Sitting back to
take note
of the person he is
becoming.
Before my eyes,
in a blink.
Taking mental snapshots
and filing them away
somewhere into
the abyss of
not particularly important moments,
but ones I would like to
remember
just the same.

His eyes.
He smiles with them.
The boots he
proudly put on
himself, that
awkwardly perch
inwards towards each other,
because I don't have
the heart
to tell him.
The way he says Mama and moon
and clasps his hands.
The exuberance in his voice
when he declares
the he is a
"helper".
Please,
remember this.
Because one day
I'll fish it back out from
the abyss.

And if I'm lucky
I'll remember how
I felt today.
Gratitude.
Contentment.
Being in sync with my child,
the rarity that sometimes is
being on the same page.
But we were,
today.
The overwhelming
sense that this -
well -
baby it doesn't get much better than
this.
No, there was nothing
exceptional about today.
And there was everything
exceptional
about
today.

Real Conversations IV

Stephanie: "Well that did not turn out how I expected."

*Silence*

"I was looking online for pictures of whisk attachments to put on your Facebook page, and I came across a kid who lost all his limbs to meningitis at like 7. I ended up reading his blog and now I'm kind of sad I looked that up."

Sam: "Jesus. That puts a damper on whiskhand."

Stephanie: "Right?"

Wyatt Greeno ...

I keep asking myself why. I know we all are asking ourselves that question, over and over. I had such high hopes that this would turn out so differently. If anybody ever deserved for a happier ending, it was them.

It was always them.

And even though I know there will never be an answer, I can't help but to continue to throw that question out there into the universe, as it echoes somewhere in the distance and fades away to where all unanswered questions must go.

Wyatt accomplished more in his 6 months here on earth, than most of us can hope to accomplish in an entire lifetime. One that most of us will live as if we are owed it. One that most of us will take for granted. One that most of us will spend more focused on ourselves, than the plight of others. And whether we're given 6 months or sixty years, I can't help but think its not in the years, its not in some magical number we're all trying to obtain - its about what we choose to do with it, how we decide to love with it. Because numbers are just numbers. A lifetime, a life, is what we do with what we're given in the time in between.

Even for the smallest of hearts.

The night Wyatt passed away, Sully and I made a vow. We're carrying you, dear Wyatt, with us in everything we do, in every place we go, in everything we will see. You'll will be with us in every new word learned, in every mud pie we make, in every little league game we play and night time bed story we read. You'll be in every block tower we build, with us on the first day of school, and in every new country our feet finds us on. Because the truth is, Wyatt, you could have been any one of our children with the flip of a coin.

He could have been your child.

He could have been my son.

CHD's aren't picky.

They don't play favorites.

...but for the flip of a coin.

Taking you with us, is the very least we can do.

And we do it smiling.

Because anger offers no answers.

If everyone you touched, takes a small piece of you with them, well the possibilities of what you will see, what you can achieve are truly, absolutely, endless.

This is what brings hope,

Its what brings comfort.

You live on, in so many ways.

And so we carry Wyatt, to continue to help him achieve what he so bravely battled against, to continue to change lives the way he changed ours. You Wyatt, are the most amazing child we know. You are a true Super Hero. And while nobody will ever love you or miss you as much as your mommy and daddy, the world is a little less brighter without you.

Wyatt, I love you and your mommy so very dearly. All words fall short. They fall so extremely short. They all seem to go to that place, the one where the unanswered questions go ...

They linger.

They sting.

None of what I want to say to your mommy seems adequate enough. So I'll say this - your journey has taught our family to talk a little more softly, hug a little more tightly, and love a little bit stronger. To care for something greater than ourselves. Our lives have been changed for the better and impacted forever by you little man.

Our hearts will be in Minnesota on Saturday.

I hope yours will be too.

MIA

To say the past month or so has been a whirlwind would be to say the least, an understatement. Just now are we starting to find some ground to firmly plant our feet into.

On December 22nd we officially became homeowners! The entire process happened so fast and with the exception of waiting for paperwork, was an effortless and painless process on our end. We had big plans to get the yard, painting and bathrooms updated, but certain events didn't quite allow things to go that way. The next thing I knew we were moved in after one extremely long Thursday. Our friend Thomas was amazing, as well as my sister, her boyfriend and my dad and mom (she watched Sully). We couldn't have done it without them.

And just like that, we became Moorpark residents. And I'm stoked. I've worked in old town Moorpark for almost 6 years, and this place, this community has a place in my heart. I'm beyond excited that Shaun has grown to see this town the same way I do, and we feel so fortunate to live here now.

Around the same time that we closed on the house, we found out Shaun's step-brother was admitted to the hospital for what we thought at the time was a simple case of pneumonia. I mean, how bad could it be; Matt is my age and a smart healthy guy. To make a very long, complicated story short, he went into heart failure and wasn't expected to make it through Christmas. He's still with us, but last Friday suffered a stroke where he sustained damage to his brain. We're hopeful, but its been a roller coaster ride. We were ready to hop on a plane at Christmastime, but we're still here, he's still hanging on, so all we can do is focus on the positive and hope.

They say when it rains it pours, and I guess its true. I had hope that Christmas would be spent delivering the news that our family was growing, but as quickly as it was here, it was gone. At 6 weeks in I had a miscarriage 3 days before Christmas, ironically at the same time we were closing on our house. I've been processing, taking stock; but for the most part, I'm okay. We're okay. Its with great honesty that I can say that. I have an amazing, supportive husband and I know when the time is right everything will fall into place. The way it should. When it should.

Shaun has been working overtime like its going out of style, and its getting harder to explain to a toddler why Daddy is always at work when he's asking for him. But its crunch time for them, and we knew this would happen. Its been frustrating for both of us to say the least, since I'm also up against the wall at work with quarterly reports and pending workshops next month. I've also started planning my dear friend Nikki's baby shower that I'm hosting, which will be shortly followed by Sully's 2nd birthday. Can you believe it?!

He has the most amazing memory I've ever seen when it comes to music for somebody his age, seriously. He'll sing songs I didn't even know he knew or was paying attention to. He can count to eleven on his own and get through his ABC's. He calls his toes "piggies" which makes me smile ear to ear every time. Like when he kicks the table and says "Owie! Mama kiss piggies!" He goes down the big kid slides at the park and has become quite the bossypants these days. Last night he wouldn't sleep so we let him stay up. He's been having a little bit of a time adjusting to being in the new house, especially at night time, so we let him stay up with us. Out of nowhere he came over and gave me the biggest kiss then went back to playing with his cars without a word. He's been attached to my hip lately, quite the Mama's boy these days. And while it adds about an extra half hour at minimum on practically everything I try to get done, I wouldn't trade it. Especially when the ladies in Trader Joes keep stopping me to say how adorable he is because he's talking into a banana like a phone and laughing hysterically and I smile because I'm responsible for his giant dorky ass.

Anyways both parties will be here, at our new house, so I've gone into high gear getting the backyard and downstairs as put together as it possible can be with everything going on. Today Sully and I made a trip to Lowe's. I'm pretty sure everyone was looking at the crazy lady who had her kid perched atop manure mountain while pushing a cart full of bark and plants trying to carry a shovel at the same time. All while Sully kept screaming "TRUCK" because he saw a front loader.

Yeh, we patted ourselves on the back for getting out in one piece and treated ourselves to a Starbucks. Only they made Sully's frozen milk a grande and my ice coffee a tall. Fuck it, I gave it to him anyways.

Life is short.

In between we've been busy breaking in our new stomping grounds here in Moorpark, adjusting to new routines for all of us and dealing with a anxious dog. We've been baking and getting dirty, ridding ourselves of boxes and planning home projects as soon as some time allows. Oh and getting speeding tickets. Man, I swear.

This past month as been draining on every level, from the physical to the emotional. There has been a lot of tears shed, short tempers and sadness but there has also been a lot of laughs and love and more laughs. We're doing it - we're getting through - we're finding ground.

And it feels good.

(These are reverse order in their timeline, I'm just too lazy to change them)

Everytime he would get the cup full, he would lean over and it would spill all back out. I had to stifle the laughter. He did this process for about 10 minutes. What you can't see is the lake on my kitchen floor.

Water play.

Meeting his cousins Randi and Jessie for the first time, that I happen to adore. So happy they decided to spend the day with Sam and I while down in So Cal visiting. We love and miss them very much!

Going down the big boy slide.

This is the position I normally see him in. Him. Running. Away.

From me usually.

I adore him, I truly do.

You usually have to pay extra to get the gardener to come pantless.

I'll spare you from the onslaught of pictures of him opening the million cars he got.

Happy Tolidays. If you look closely, the H on my sign broke.

It made for a good laugh.

I always ask him what he's drawing and this was the first time he had an answer

"Car"

Enjoying some styrofoam and ice cream

Sully and Cash (Aunt Sam's new puppy)