Like I needed one more thing to start.
I've decided to start writing again. I need a release because as Shaun said, I'm bound to end up having a stroke if I don't figure out something - and soon.
So instead of just leaving it to myspace and facebook, I've decided to start a bona fide blog. I'm hoping that since I know so many new mommies out there as well as second and third time mommies, that between my resources at work, my teaching days and my pension for being a cheapskate (I mean frugal) that people will actually be able to get something out of this. This is of course under the assumption that people will actually read this.
If not, it'll still be something I can channel my energy on instead of the ice cream container.
7.27.2009
Countdown
I should be sleeping. I'm not. That's obvious. My mind is going a hundred miles per minute with thoughts.
Yesterday was a little bit of a rough day and I have a feeling this week won't be much easier. The countdown to me having to return to work has begun. I thought I was ready, I thought it would be easy, I thought I had prepared myself - I thought at least, and I was wrong.
I've been super blessed to be able to stay home with my little guy for the past four months, which is more than I know a lot of people get to have. I also have the amazing chance to be able to work from home a couple days a week when I go back. I'm pretty sure the last time I talked to my boss my apprehensions about returning to work were written all over my face, and was just happy I was coming back in the end. I'm also lucky to have a mom thats been more than willing to help out and take Sully on the days that I do have to be at work so we can be a few of the fortunate working parents out there that get to keep their child at home with a family member.
I'm not sure I'm 100% cut out to be a stay home mom all the time either - I'd probably fail in a miserable way at that. I like my job, I like what I do, I like helping people and all the responsibilities and chaos that comes with having my own program. I like having an identity outside of this house - I just love my son more. Part of me feels guilty for still wanting those things. I get anxious and worry that Shaun or I won't be around for the first steps, the first words, the first new anythings. I know these feelings aren't anything new for parents - but it is new for me, its new for us. I can't imagine not being the one to share his days with Shaun. Deep down I keep telling myself this is what is best for him - to not live paycheck to paycheck, to be able to give him all the things we want to - to one day give him his own house with his own yard. But everything is my head keeps screaming wrong wrong wrong - that it be better to be poor and with him than the alternative.
I know what people are thinking - Christ Steph he's not dying, you're just going back to work, like the millions of people with families out there have to do. I work in this field and I know how important it is for a parent to be home with their children when they can. This is a situation where Steph knows too much information about the subject and its become a hinderance, not a help. I guess I'm just kind of pissed that I'm not in the position where money doesn't matter, but it does - and it sucks. Struggling sucks. But I knew what I was signing on for when we did this - I knew not working wasn't an option for us.
I guess its going to be another balancing act - and we'll get it right, but that doesn't mean its not hard. I look at him and feel my heart starting to tug. I mean, he's finally got to the point where he's actually fun and has this awesome personality and I get to leave - right as its all getting good.
Shaun told me to quit and that he'd pick up a second job. Thats not what I want either, for him to never be around just so I can. How is that fair? I do love him dearly for giving my that option though, even though I'm pretty sure he knows I'd never take that out - sneaky little effer.
Is this a world-ender? No. Will we survive? Yes. Will he even remember these years? Shit, probably not. But I will.
I'm learning that nothing prepares you for this kind of love, this kind of desire and hope that you're making the right choices, and not royally fucking things up for them by the ones we're choosing to make now. I just want to do right by him, whatever that happens to be.
I thought I was prepared. I thought this would be easy.
Thats laughable.
There is no such thing.
Yesterday was a little bit of a rough day and I have a feeling this week won't be much easier. The countdown to me having to return to work has begun. I thought I was ready, I thought it would be easy, I thought I had prepared myself - I thought at least, and I was wrong.
I've been super blessed to be able to stay home with my little guy for the past four months, which is more than I know a lot of people get to have. I also have the amazing chance to be able to work from home a couple days a week when I go back. I'm pretty sure the last time I talked to my boss my apprehensions about returning to work were written all over my face, and was just happy I was coming back in the end. I'm also lucky to have a mom thats been more than willing to help out and take Sully on the days that I do have to be at work so we can be a few of the fortunate working parents out there that get to keep their child at home with a family member.
I'm not sure I'm 100% cut out to be a stay home mom all the time either - I'd probably fail in a miserable way at that. I like my job, I like what I do, I like helping people and all the responsibilities and chaos that comes with having my own program. I like having an identity outside of this house - I just love my son more. Part of me feels guilty for still wanting those things. I get anxious and worry that Shaun or I won't be around for the first steps, the first words, the first new anythings. I know these feelings aren't anything new for parents - but it is new for me, its new for us. I can't imagine not being the one to share his days with Shaun. Deep down I keep telling myself this is what is best for him - to not live paycheck to paycheck, to be able to give him all the things we want to - to one day give him his own house with his own yard. But everything is my head keeps screaming wrong wrong wrong - that it be better to be poor and with him than the alternative.
I know what people are thinking - Christ Steph he's not dying, you're just going back to work, like the millions of people with families out there have to do. I work in this field and I know how important it is for a parent to be home with their children when they can. This is a situation where Steph knows too much information about the subject and its become a hinderance, not a help. I guess I'm just kind of pissed that I'm not in the position where money doesn't matter, but it does - and it sucks. Struggling sucks. But I knew what I was signing on for when we did this - I knew not working wasn't an option for us.
I guess its going to be another balancing act - and we'll get it right, but that doesn't mean its not hard. I look at him and feel my heart starting to tug. I mean, he's finally got to the point where he's actually fun and has this awesome personality and I get to leave - right as its all getting good.
Shaun told me to quit and that he'd pick up a second job. Thats not what I want either, for him to never be around just so I can. How is that fair? I do love him dearly for giving my that option though, even though I'm pretty sure he knows I'd never take that out - sneaky little effer.
Is this a world-ender? No. Will we survive? Yes. Will he even remember these years? Shit, probably not. But I will.
I'm learning that nothing prepares you for this kind of love, this kind of desire and hope that you're making the right choices, and not royally fucking things up for them by the ones we're choosing to make now. I just want to do right by him, whatever that happens to be.
I thought I was prepared. I thought this would be easy.
Thats laughable.
There is no such thing.
7.19.2009
3 months a few days late
So our BIG little boy is now 3 months old, almost 14 weeks which is just impossibly hard to believe sometimes. It really does go by in light speed fashion. We've had a pretty busy week followed by an even more hectic weekend, so while I took these pics on his 3 month "b-day", I'm just getting round to post them now ...
Still got his two different colored eyes going on. Sometimes I close my eyes and just look at the brown eye or the blue - to see what he'd look like, and ya know, he just doesn't look right to me without one of each!
He's learned to roll over and will do it till you stop him some days ...
In fact, he likes to roll over - over and over and over again when he doesn't want to do tummy time in hopes we'll just give up on it.
He's been standing on his legs since he was about a month old, but his balance is getting better each day (and he finds this hilarious)
My poor attempt to capture him standing on his own just leaning against me. You can see where my one hand is, the other obviously on the camera!
My little bruiser has now grown out of all his "little" baby shoes! He's almost grown out of the converse size 1's that I bought him too. Some friends were over with their 9 MONTH OLD and Sully's feet were bigger! Aye-aye-aye
Big feet and all, I'll take my 'lil bruiser any day of the week. How could I not when this is the face I get to wake up to every morning. He really is smiling like this every morning when we wake up (the nights are a totally different story) - but he's pretty much the happiest, sweetest baby ever. We're so lucky. Happy 3 months Sully!
Still got his two different colored eyes going on. Sometimes I close my eyes and just look at the brown eye or the blue - to see what he'd look like, and ya know, he just doesn't look right to me without one of each!
He's learned to roll over and will do it till you stop him some days ...
In fact, he likes to roll over - over and over and over again when he doesn't want to do tummy time in hopes we'll just give up on it.
He's been standing on his legs since he was about a month old, but his balance is getting better each day (and he finds this hilarious)
My poor attempt to capture him standing on his own just leaning against me. You can see where my one hand is, the other obviously on the camera!
My little bruiser has now grown out of all his "little" baby shoes! He's almost grown out of the converse size 1's that I bought him too. Some friends were over with their 9 MONTH OLD and Sully's feet were bigger! Aye-aye-aye
Big feet and all, I'll take my 'lil bruiser any day of the week. How could I not when this is the face I get to wake up to every morning. He really is smiling like this every morning when we wake up (the nights are a totally different story) - but he's pretty much the happiest, sweetest baby ever. We're so lucky. Happy 3 months Sully!
6.27.2009
Hug Bugs
The little guy is spending some time with his grandparents right now, so I figured I'd get some stuff out on virtual paper.
The big news this past week is that Shaun was hired back by THQ, the company he has worked for the past couple of summers when he was on summer break from school. The job is temporary for the time being. The company is going through some major changes, but we're holding out some hope that he can get in for longer come September or be able to get his foot in the marketing dept. finally. The money is decent, its really close to home so Sully and I can drive down and have lunch with him, and able us to start paying double on Shaun;s student loans to get them out of the way. We were expecting Shaun to get something PT so we could work either of us being home with Sully at all times, but the job is FT - something we weren't quite planning for just yet. There's a good possibility after talking with my boss that I'll be able to work PT from home and PT from my office, which would be wonderful, so fingers crossed.
Yesterday was my works 3rd annual concert in the park. Every year we get a children's performer to come and do music in the park, free to families in the area. It just so happens that our next door neighbors mom Ronnie (whom we love!) is good friends with children's songwriter and performer Charlotte Diamond. For those of you not familiar with the Early Childhood Education world, Charlotte Diamond's "I am a Pizza" is like the "Freebird" of the preschool generation. Like I told Shaun, I challenge you to find me a preschooler who doesn't know that song. Ronnie amazingly was able to get Miss Charlotte to fly out from Vancouver to come and perform at our little community event! Sully and I went over to see Ronnie and Miss Charlotte that morning before we were to head over that afternoon, and what a little treat we were in for. Miss Charlotte had a little mini impromptu singing session with my son, which he loved! It was kind of surreal watching Charlotte Diamond hold and sing to Sully - I use to sing her songs to my preschool class back when I taught!
(We'll bypass all the pics that include myself in it, since I was still is my pjs, with no makeup looking quite ravishing after being up with a fussy baby since 4 am that day.) Since I'm still on maternity leave, Ronnie asked if I could help her and Charlotte out at their booth selling merch, and I had such a blast! I really enjoyed working with Ronnie and felt it was the absolute least I could do since she made it all happen.
Myself, Sully and Miss Charlotte after a long, fun day! Usually we have about 600 people in attendance but I think this year was a little higher than that. So needless to say the concert was a hit and as a thank you Ronnie gave Sully & Morgan (Sami's little girl she nannys - they came too) handmade hug bugs (a hug bug is from the song Hug Bug Charlotte sings) signed by Charlotte to them both. Its something we'll cherish for a long time!
I also really appreciated all the help from the ladies at work with Sully so I could help Ronnie, ya all rocked! It was great seeing so many coworkers, old coworkers and families that I've worked with that finally got to meet Sully. He was quite the little rockstar and was more than happy to ham it up and flirt with any lady willing to provide a set of boob pillows for his comfort to chill on.
Tomorrow David Edward is coming over so Sami and I can take him out to get him a belated b-day present. We're out on the hunt for a super fast pair of running shoes! Lunch or ice cream will more than likely be a must as well. Looks like theres a block party in the works here for the 4th of July and I have to say I'm actually kind of looking forward to getting to know some of our new neighbors and catching up with old ones.
Theres also a Vegas trip in the works this August to celebrate Sami's 21st bday. Shaun, myself, Sully, Sami and her friend Jessica will be heading to Sin City for 4 days and 3 nights. Relaxation, good food, drinks and gambling await for all of us. I'm really excited to finally be able to take my sister ... I've been waiting 7 long years!! Its so weird to think she will finally be an adult - in the sense that there isn't any boundaries on her anymore, except car rentals. Its going to be a blast. The girls have offered to watch Sully so Shaun and I can do a little one on one time with each other while we're there. Yay! Its kind of fun to go back since the last time we were there was right before we found out we were pregnant with Sully ... can you guess where the little guy was made? *ahem* We didn't come back with our millions, but what we did end up coming back with was worth far far more than that. And we're the 3 best friends that any one can have, yes we're the 3 best friends that anyone can have ....
We even have our own little Carlos to bring with us! I'll leave ya all with this. It has nothing to really do with anything about this post, I just find it hilarious. Life imitating art...
The big news this past week is that Shaun was hired back by THQ, the company he has worked for the past couple of summers when he was on summer break from school. The job is temporary for the time being. The company is going through some major changes, but we're holding out some hope that he can get in for longer come September or be able to get his foot in the marketing dept. finally. The money is decent, its really close to home so Sully and I can drive down and have lunch with him, and able us to start paying double on Shaun;s student loans to get them out of the way. We were expecting Shaun to get something PT so we could work either of us being home with Sully at all times, but the job is FT - something we weren't quite planning for just yet. There's a good possibility after talking with my boss that I'll be able to work PT from home and PT from my office, which would be wonderful, so fingers crossed.
Yesterday was my works 3rd annual concert in the park. Every year we get a children's performer to come and do music in the park, free to families in the area. It just so happens that our next door neighbors mom Ronnie (whom we love!) is good friends with children's songwriter and performer Charlotte Diamond. For those of you not familiar with the Early Childhood Education world, Charlotte Diamond's "I am a Pizza" is like the "Freebird" of the preschool generation. Like I told Shaun, I challenge you to find me a preschooler who doesn't know that song. Ronnie amazingly was able to get Miss Charlotte to fly out from Vancouver to come and perform at our little community event! Sully and I went over to see Ronnie and Miss Charlotte that morning before we were to head over that afternoon, and what a little treat we were in for. Miss Charlotte had a little mini impromptu singing session with my son, which he loved! It was kind of surreal watching Charlotte Diamond hold and sing to Sully - I use to sing her songs to my preschool class back when I taught!
(We'll bypass all the pics that include myself in it, since I was still is my pjs, with no makeup looking quite ravishing after being up with a fussy baby since 4 am that day.) Since I'm still on maternity leave, Ronnie asked if I could help her and Charlotte out at their booth selling merch, and I had such a blast! I really enjoyed working with Ronnie and felt it was the absolute least I could do since she made it all happen.
Myself, Sully and Miss Charlotte after a long, fun day! Usually we have about 600 people in attendance but I think this year was a little higher than that. So needless to say the concert was a hit and as a thank you Ronnie gave Sully & Morgan (Sami's little girl she nannys - they came too) handmade hug bugs (a hug bug is from the song Hug Bug Charlotte sings) signed by Charlotte to them both. Its something we'll cherish for a long time!
I also really appreciated all the help from the ladies at work with Sully so I could help Ronnie, ya all rocked! It was great seeing so many coworkers, old coworkers and families that I've worked with that finally got to meet Sully. He was quite the little rockstar and was more than happy to ham it up and flirt with any lady willing to provide a set of boob pillows for his comfort to chill on.
Tomorrow David Edward is coming over so Sami and I can take him out to get him a belated b-day present. We're out on the hunt for a super fast pair of running shoes! Lunch or ice cream will more than likely be a must as well. Looks like theres a block party in the works here for the 4th of July and I have to say I'm actually kind of looking forward to getting to know some of our new neighbors and catching up with old ones.
Theres also a Vegas trip in the works this August to celebrate Sami's 21st bday. Shaun, myself, Sully, Sami and her friend Jessica will be heading to Sin City for 4 days and 3 nights. Relaxation, good food, drinks and gambling await for all of us. I'm really excited to finally be able to take my sister ... I've been waiting 7 long years!! Its so weird to think she will finally be an adult - in the sense that there isn't any boundaries on her anymore, except car rentals. Its going to be a blast. The girls have offered to watch Sully so Shaun and I can do a little one on one time with each other while we're there. Yay! Its kind of fun to go back since the last time we were there was right before we found out we were pregnant with Sully ... can you guess where the little guy was made? *ahem* We didn't come back with our millions, but what we did end up coming back with was worth far far more than that. And we're the 3 best friends that any one can have, yes we're the 3 best friends that anyone can have ....
We even have our own little Carlos to bring with us! I'll leave ya all with this. It has nothing to really do with anything about this post, I just find it hilarious. Life imitating art...
6.16.2009
Two months!
Thats right, my little rockstar is two months old already!
He can now hold his head up all on his own, laugh and almost roll over! He weighs 12 pounds and 15 ounces and is 24 & 3/4th inches long, over two feet!
As Aunt Sami would say, Happy Two Months Bubbaroo!
6.14.2009
28 and a day
We've had quite a lot going on the past couple of weeks and life is finally starting to slow down. Baby Marissa made her arrival 3 weeks early so we headed down to visit and get a look at Sullys future wifey, and I must say, what beautiful little girl she is. We also had a chance to swing by and see one of my best friends and his family for a bit, which was great since it doesn't happen that often. Hopefully a get together longer than and hour will be in the near future for catching up now that they live closer (exciting!) We spent some time out with my MIL and had a lovely dinner for our birthdays and she got to spend some time with Sully. We have some doctor appointments coming up and I can't wait to see what out little moose is going to weigh in at.
This past Saturday was my birthday - thanks to all who sent me texts or posts! The day before Shaun watched Sully so I could have an evening out with my sis over some sushi and then the Hangover, which we found to be hilarious. The next morning my wonderful husband took care of Sully all morn so I could sleep in ... till 12:30 in the PM. (Best present by far!) After I woke up we had some cake with my fam and did the present thing. We then got ready and headed over to our nephews house who I share a birthday with. My little guy isn't so little anymore ... he's 9! I use to change his diapers!! After enjoying a second dessert and catching up there, we headed out and had dinner with my sis, where I seriously considered a third dessert (relax I didn't). We headed home and my folks took Sully for a bit so Shaun and I could have some quiet time. We sat around talking about age, and I came to the conclusion that I love being 28. I feel that I'm far more confident, content and just overall happy then I ever was at say 18. Besides, it was the first birthday I got to spend with my little guy, so how could it be bad? Shaun's birthday is this Thursday and we'll be heading to Disneyland to celebrate the big 3-1. We're leaving Sully at home with my sister, so hopefully I won't be too huge of a wreck. I am looking forward to enjoying some time with my other big kid though and think it'll be a fun day. (Can't be any worse than our last attempt down that way. Knock on wood)
June is also the month Shaun and I started dating 9 years ago. Nine! I was just 19 when I met Shaun, and never could imagine the things we would end up accomplishing together. In those nine years we've both finished school with two degrees each, we've traveled here in the states and have seen parts of Asia and Europe. We've adopted a dog, started careers and had a baby. We've been there for each other through some hard times, but more importantly have shared in more happy times than we can count. We've worked extremely hard to have the life that we've made for ourselves, but make sure to enjoy it too. And we laugh, god do we laugh.
I once gave Shaun a list of 100 things I loved about him after a bet. Over the years I've added to it. This year is no different ...
110. You're so hardcore about hockey
111. You combine words like "love" and "batshit crazy" together. EX: "I love you. You're batshit crazy but god do I love you"
112. You make me homemade gifts
113. You gave me a son
114. You hate carrots as much as I do
2000
2009
I can't wait to see what the next 9 years has to offer. I'm sure mostly gray hair, tons and tons of gray hairs.
This past Saturday was my birthday - thanks to all who sent me texts or posts! The day before Shaun watched Sully so I could have an evening out with my sis over some sushi and then the Hangover, which we found to be hilarious. The next morning my wonderful husband took care of Sully all morn so I could sleep in ... till 12:30 in the PM. (Best present by far!) After I woke up we had some cake with my fam and did the present thing. We then got ready and headed over to our nephews house who I share a birthday with. My little guy isn't so little anymore ... he's 9! I use to change his diapers!! After enjoying a second dessert and catching up there, we headed out and had dinner with my sis, where I seriously considered a third dessert (relax I didn't). We headed home and my folks took Sully for a bit so Shaun and I could have some quiet time. We sat around talking about age, and I came to the conclusion that I love being 28. I feel that I'm far more confident, content and just overall happy then I ever was at say 18. Besides, it was the first birthday I got to spend with my little guy, so how could it be bad? Shaun's birthday is this Thursday and we'll be heading to Disneyland to celebrate the big 3-1. We're leaving Sully at home with my sister, so hopefully I won't be too huge of a wreck. I am looking forward to enjoying some time with my other big kid though and think it'll be a fun day. (Can't be any worse than our last attempt down that way. Knock on wood)
June is also the month Shaun and I started dating 9 years ago. Nine! I was just 19 when I met Shaun, and never could imagine the things we would end up accomplishing together. In those nine years we've both finished school with two degrees each, we've traveled here in the states and have seen parts of Asia and Europe. We've adopted a dog, started careers and had a baby. We've been there for each other through some hard times, but more importantly have shared in more happy times than we can count. We've worked extremely hard to have the life that we've made for ourselves, but make sure to enjoy it too. And we laugh, god do we laugh.
I once gave Shaun a list of 100 things I loved about him after a bet. Over the years I've added to it. This year is no different ...
110. You're so hardcore about hockey
111. You combine words like "love" and "batshit crazy" together. EX: "I love you. You're batshit crazy but god do I love you"
112. You make me homemade gifts
113. You gave me a son
114. You hate carrots as much as I do
2000
2009
I can't wait to see what the next 9 years has to offer. I'm sure mostly gray hair, tons and tons of gray hairs.
6.10.2009
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