Sully and I played at the park under the looming rain clouds coming our way in the distance. And I thought about that question. I sat in the grass, and as I watched him, I felt the need to have to almost pinch myself. And as if on cue, I could feel the warm welling of wetness behind my eyes and my throat pinch shut just ever so slightly.
Because no, this is not how I pictured our lives.
This is so much, well, better.
I spent years attempting to bribe and strike a deal with the universe if it would just allow the stars to align and give us a shot. Those stars know my promises. They bare witness to some of my lowest points in life. Infertility is a ugly beast. A lot like a rain cloud that looms over you constantly, or in the distance.
There were times I had convinced myself that maybe there was some other plan in store for us. Maybe, being parents, just wasn't in the cards for us. There were times I was bitter, that I was angry, that I felt hopeless. Despair is one hell of a set of blinders. I couldn't see what our lives could possibly, at their best, be.
The night Sullivan was born, after everyone left, I held him, practically all night, in disbelief. Looking back, I'm certain I was in shock that all this had actually just happened to us - it felt so surreal. (I spent most of my pregnancy in shock that there was a legitimate kid in there). I told Shaun that night it was worth it. If Sullivan was our parting gift for coming in last place in the baby race, I'd go through it all again, without hesitation.
And so I sat yesterday, watching this child that at times is someone so new to me, and yet someone that I have always known - and I smiled. And I'm still at times in disbelief. Because he is amazing. Because he is hilariously funny. Because he is such a gentle soul. Because people smile when they see him. Because I am able to call him mine.
Because he makes my life so much better.
They say children are a reflection of their parents. You get out of them what you're willing to put in. I look at him and I see everything that is good about our lives. The bad no longer seems worth dwelling over. And if he is in fact my mirror reflection, than I have to say we're a couple of hilarious, happy, wacky kids.
Touche universe.
I have a lifetime of living up to my end of the bargain. But that's okay. I get a lifetime of looking at this face - it's just too damn easy to love.
But just for good measure - pinch.
Yeh, life is good baby.
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