Countdown

I should be sleeping. I'm not. That's obvious. My mind is going a hundred miles per minute with thoughts.

Yesterday was a little bit of a rough day and I have a feeling this week won't be much easier. The countdown to me having to return to work has begun. I thought I was ready, I thought it would be easy, I thought I had prepared myself - I thought at least, and I was wrong.

I've been super blessed to be able to stay home with my little guy for the past four months, which is more than I know a lot of people get to have. I also have the amazing chance to be able to work from home a couple days a week when I go back. I'm pretty sure the last time I talked to my boss my apprehensions about returning to work were written all over my face, and was just happy I was coming back in the end. I'm also lucky to have a mom thats been more than willing to help out and take Sully on the days that I do have to be at work so we can be a few of the fortunate working parents out there that get to keep their child at home with a family member.

I'm not sure I'm 100% cut out to be a stay home mom all the time either - I'd probably fail in a miserable way at that. I like my job, I like what I do, I like helping people and all the responsibilities and chaos that comes with having my own program. I like having an identity outside of this house - I just love my son more. Part of me feels guilty for still wanting those things. I get anxious and worry that Shaun or I won't be around for the first steps, the first words, the first new anythings. I know these feelings aren't anything new for parents - but it is new for me, its new for us. I can't imagine not being the one to share his days with Shaun. Deep down I keep telling myself this is what is best for him - to not live paycheck to paycheck, to be able to give him all the things we want to - to one day give him his own house with his own yard. But everything is my head keeps screaming wrong wrong wrong - that it be better to be poor and with him than the alternative.

I know what people are thinking - Christ Steph he's not dying, you're just going back to work, like the millions of people with families out there have to do. I work in this field and I know how important it is for a parent to be home with their children when they can. This is a situation where Steph knows too much information about the subject and its become a hinderance, not a help. I guess I'm just kind of pissed that I'm not in the position where money doesn't matter, but it does - and it sucks. Struggling sucks. But I knew what I was signing on for when we did this - I knew not working wasn't an option for us.

I guess its going to be another balancing act - and we'll get it right, but that doesn't mean its not hard. I look at him and feel my heart starting to tug. I mean, he's finally got to the point where he's actually fun and has this awesome personality and I get to leave - right as its all getting good.

Shaun told me to quit and that he'd pick up a second job. Thats not what I want either, for him to never be around just so I can. How is that fair? I do love him dearly for giving my that option though, even though I'm pretty sure he knows I'd never take that out - sneaky little effer.

Is this a world-ender? No. Will we survive? Yes. Will he even remember these years? Shit, probably not. But I will.

I'm learning that nothing prepares you for this kind of love, this kind of desire and hope that you're making the right choices, and not royally fucking things up for them by the ones we're choosing to make now. I just want to do right by him, whatever that happens to be.

I thought I was prepared. I thought this would be easy.
Thats laughable.
There is no such thing.